Dear Mary Ann:
My parents are getting older and haven’t said a word about their finances or desires for health care in the future. What should I do? Wait for them to tell me what they want or ask them? It feels awkward.
Thanks, Barbara

Dear Barbara,
This is a good question shared by many adults today. Thanks for raising it. A variety of factors may affect your parents' openness to discussing financial and/or medical issues. Yes, you want to talk about these things with them, but first you need to gain their trust. You may want to reflect on why your parents have not raised the topic.

• Some parents may not want to burden us more than we already are.
• Some may not have decided how they want to manage their affairs, medically and financially, when they become incapacitated. Perhaps talking means giving up control and that brings them closer to dying which they are not ready to do.
• Some don't share their tentative living will and financial plans because they may change their minds …and…talking about this stuff seems so final and scary. Many don't know how to approach their own fears about death, dying, or an afterlife with anyone. It often is a very private issue and can be embarrassing to discuss.
• Speaking of embarrassment: some older adults have very little to leave us and are too proud to talk about how life or health issues ate up all their little savings -easier just not to talk about it.
• Some are afraid that we will be money hungry and make inappropriate and self-serving decisions regarding finances if given power of attorney.
• Some are afraid that money talk will draw out sibling rivalry and angry discussions and battles over inheritances rather than shared decision-making in love.

1. Grow in compassion for your parents’ situation. No matter how old they are and how incompetent, they once used to be young and vital and quick, just like us. They want to retain their privacy and self-respect. We must honor them.
2. Lead with your own questions. If we talk about how we are beginning to think about the future, how we are struggling with how long life should be continued in us or whom we might select for power of attorney in our own families, we open the door for discussions about their issues. How have you thought this all through, mom and/or dad? It's quite complex, isn't it? Can you offer me any suggestions from your own wisdom on how to move forward?
3. Suggest a meeting with an attorney. At a family gathering, bring up your desire to do your parents’ wishes whenever life becomes more of a struggle, and your hope that your parents will let you and your sibs become involved sooner rather than later. Suggest that your parents’ meet with their trusted attorney who might coach them on how to proceed and then set up a meeting for the attorney to meet with you all to make the legal decisions.
4. Describe your own processes to give options. Talk about how you have set up a medical power of attorney and a financial power of attorney, separating out the duties. Talk about your challenges dealing with your own children. You might note that one of your kids is more competent at some things than the others - like medical issues, let's say, and another is clearly a math whiz. You are glad you don’t have to sign your life away to any one child. Tell them how relieved they feel to have these issues out in the open and done with. This leaves room for the parents to say: Gosh, if my daughter/ son could do that, I guess I can open these doors too.
5. Face the money elephant in the room. If your parents are conservative with money and are not happy with how you spend your money, trusting you will be a problem. How could we possibly trust X or Y to manage our funds as we might like? they might say between themselves. If you know that your style disquiets them and you know they need help now, bring it all out in the open. I know you are not pleased with what I choose to do with my finances, mom/dad. Still, I want to help you. I want to do what you want me to do with your finances should the day come when you are not able to make your own decisions. How can I gain your trust so that you will let me help you? I can only tell you that I will honor you as I have all my life. Teach me how to do so, please, around these issues so important to your heart.
6. Face the incompetence elephant in the room. You may be incompetent to some of the tasks ahead. If your parents don't want to offend you, they may say nothing. If you discern that this fact and can remove your pride from this story (It's not about how much they love you or not, it's about how to get the best care for them. It's therefore about how you face your strengths and limits realistically). You or another sib may say: Mom/Dad, we’ve been talking and would like you to consider using X for power of attorney for medical issues because X is so competent and dependable and fair. You might think about Y for the legal and financial issues because it comes so easy to him. The rest of us will fully understand that you have to make choices and that's OK. We just want to be helpful to you. (If you are an only child and your parents don't trust you, then you might still consider the above scenario and in love suggest an objective third party to assist. Talking about the difficult issues with no axe to grind or no final affirmation to eke out will go a long way toward making a useful plan that all can support.

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