Nov 1, 2003

TELEPHONE THERAPY? What’s that? By Mary Ann Massey, Ed.D. http://www.womantowomanlive.com When I introduced telephone therapy for men and women through my website just one year ago, many raised eyebrows and turned up noses. How could that work? they asked. Having accommodated my face-to-face clients over the years who traveled (and called for a ‘telephone session’ while away) and those who wanted to continue therapy with me (through telephone therapy) when I moved to another state, I knew its merits. I knew that we could still do the work of therapy together. Clients made a plan, we set a fee, we talked through issues for 55 minutes, I took notes, and we set the next appointment…just like in face-to-face sessions. AND…we did something else. Because I couldn’t see them, I asked them for more information. I asked how they were feeling, if they were angry, sad or teary. When they were quiet, I asked them to describe what was happening for them. Sometimes I would say: Because I can’t see you now, tell me what I would see if I were in the room with you. They willingly did so. The telephone was not a barrier between us. With the introduction of telephone therapy through the Woman to Woman Live website, I treat people I’ve never met before. I have no visual reference, no face-to-face history, no time with them in person. Some telephone clients prefer the anonymity but most are glad that I ask for pictures – of them, their family, a significant other, or spouse. Sometimes I want to meet the dog, too. I want them to bring me as much into their worlds as they choose. In addition, I ask telephone clients to fill out an extensive intake form. They access and submit the form online, I review it, and then I may ask for more information on some of the topics. This helps me to see my new clients as clearly as possible even before the first session. When talking during the first session, I then hear their voices, tune in to nuances, pick up their style, and they hear me, pick up my nuances, and my style. We get to know each other as we would in person. As prepared as I was for its success, I am surprised and pleased at how very useful the venue is clinically. Let me tell you a little about some of the telephone clients with whom I’ve had the privilege to work this past year. Some called once or twice while most signed on for regular sessions for several months or longer. The names, towns, and ages are not significant (therefore, I’ll camouflage them) while the issues and processes are extremely significant. Clients have called me from New York, Georgia, California, Texas, New Mexico, Florida, New Jersey, Arizona, Illinois, and Michigan. I was not surprised when women of all ages called for therapy time. I was surprised at the range of issues that emerged. One woman was engaged and frightened of the commitment; another was alone and lonely five years after a divorce; another was nursing a sick mother; another had just been diagnosed with cancer and didn’t know how to deal with it, who to talk with, and wanted to talk it through with me before bringing the family into her new truth. I wasn’t surprised when some men called me. Men often have a tough time talking face-to-face and the anonymity can be helpful to them, especially when they are humbled by life and embarrassed about sharing their secrets. I was surprised when some of the men really let their hair down, when they used the time (often calling from work in the middle of the day from the sanctuary of their office) to talk about addictions, affairs, and how to love their wives better. Many talked about the failures they couldn’t get over, and their fear of the future. I was surprised when a few couples sought counseling through the telephone system. I had not done that work before, but if it was the only way these folks would open up to each other, then I’d give it a try. I have been most surprised to discover that marriage counseling can be done successfully through the telephone. Weekly, the couples would talk over a speaker phone (sometimes we conference called – husband at one office, wife at another!), they’d have to help me ‘get into the room with them’ by describing their countenances, and tell me when they were smiling or frowning at each other. They’d tell me when they were holding hands, too! The couple would often have ‘assignments’ to accomplish in-between sessions. Such homework gave them a focus for talking with each other during the week – whether or not they ever completed assignments. I was pleased when some adolescents called me. They really preferred the anonymity. They wanted to talk about things that were too hard do address any other way. I’ve heard that teens are very grateful for online therapists as well. They can use the keyboard and email to talk about their painful experiences or the hard choices that are on them. The presence of another while thinking through a problem or gaining courage to be oneself, apart from the in-crowd, is powerful. The therapy experience is indeed powerful, more so in person than online or over the telephone, for sure! Yet, there are growing numbers of people whose circumstances invite them to consider talking with a counselor over the phone. This is good news! These people most likely haven’t talked to anyone before on this deep and personal level. Now, from the privacy of their homes they can do so. Women, whose husbands might never go to a therapist’s office, can work out problems with their men using telephone therapy because that feels less invasive for some men. Communications can become more clear, honest, and potentially loving. I’ve been asked: Does everyone who seeks telephone therapy benefit from the experience? I say to them: Those who stay with the process for a couple of months or more benefit a lot. I know this because they’ve told me so. I think talking through problems with a trained listener who’s fully present in the moment is useful even if only for one session. Reaching out is critical. Telephone therapy lets people reach out for help easily. Telephone therapy is useful for a great many of us at special times in our lives, in certain isolating emotional moments, and when distanced from those with whom we’d prefer to meet in person. It’s my policy during the first interview with clients to ascertain if this venue is the right one for them (and for me with them). We talk about the depth and duration of their problem, if they might prefer to work locally with a professional with whom they could collect insurance benefits, if they are in crisis and need immediate help through a local crisis center, if they are looking for a short term or a longer term contract with me. I try to be clear with them about the benefits and the limitations. Almost always, face-to-face therapy is more impacting. Yet, using the telephone rather than suffering privately is a better second-best than we’ve given it credit for to date. I have been surprised at the number of business men and women who have chosen telephone therapy. Their work lives are crowded, their homes lives are more crowded, and they often can’t find time to schedule with a local clinician. They schedule, cancel, reschedule, and then give up. They choose me, they say, because we can work out the hours to suit them better. Everyone has a different reason for choosing to use the telephone to help them deal with life’s increasing problems. Stress, fear, working too hard just to keep one’s job, exhaustion at the end of the day, spiritual emptiness, loneliness in the midst of a crowd, and failed communications with loved ones are some of the issues my clients share with me on the phone. Spread the word among people in your world who might benefit from telephone therapy, people who may be more isolated, physically challenged, recovering from an illness and confined to home, fearful of crowds, fighting addictions, needing to talk about sexual abuse, marital problems, or other very private and painful histories. We can help. Call: 757-566-2573 for information Go to: womantowomanlive.com/counseling_center.html For local face-to-face therapy with Mary Ann, call: 757-253-0371 (Williamsburg Centre for Therapy, 217 McLaws Circle #2, Williamsburg, VA 23185)